The Palestinian leadership, experiencing an ongoing cash crunch because the civilized world refuses to support its unachievable vow to destroy Israel, suffered the indignity of being assaulted by its own unpaid workers, who shouted "We are hungry!"
But, just in the nickel of time, the Palestinian Foreign Minister managed to smuggle a suitcase loaded with $20 million in cash into Gaza. He had slipped in from Egypt, on his way back from a successful begging trip to Indonesia, Malaysia, Brunei, China, Pakistan, Iran and Egypt.
Evidently, he was not the first Palestinian emissary to attempt a cash run, but his predecessors ran into unexpected obstacles on the way across the border.
Is this or is this not a ludicrous condition to bring a people to who have aspirations of statehood and an inalienable right to at least a pinky of dignity. But then the poor misguided slugs did vote Hamas in, so they did play a part in bringing such embarrassing travail on themselves.
Question is, how long will Hamas keep its populace on the rack before the surprisingly elected organization realizes that, if it wants a state, the first thing it has to do is recognize the right of its neighboring state to exist.
One wonders how long the inconvenienced Mahmoud Abbas, sensible and promising moderate that he is, can witness the indecisive idiocy and its debilitating effects without attempting to take effective action. Since he is dealing with such an misguided opposition, we must wish him safe passage through the intricacies of his far wiser enterprise.
Showing posts with label Humors. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Humors. Show all posts
New Cause of High Blood Pressure Revealed; Expecting Logical Behavior
A new study in The New England Journal Of Medicine reveals that one of the principal causes of high-blood pressure in the contemporary world is logical thinking.
A researcher commented on the surprise finding, saying, "Look it's basically an illogical world out there. So the more you try to deal with it logically, the more upset you're bound to become – and up shoots your blood pressure. We found that, when we convince patients to give up interfacing with the world with the expectations that logical thinking sets up, they immediately become far more relaxed and, as a result, their blood pressure drops, often returning to normal levels."
When asked if there might be other undiscovered factors that contribute to high blood pressure, he said, "Oh, absolutely. For instance, we've got a study in the works right now on that insidious culprit, sensitivity."
"Sensitivity?" we asked.
"Yes," he went on, "You see the modern world, especially as we interface with it through the mass media and frequently in corporate life, appears wildly insensitive to our individual wishes, so the more sensitive you are, the more likely it is to upset you. So we're looking into how we can condition people to feel less, at least, when dealing with larger entities."
"What about sensitivity in our personal lives? Is that still OK?"
"Well, I'd like to think so. But, since many domestic spats lead to higher blood pressure, we're also considering a study to determine the benefits of reducing sensitivity in personal life."
"But what good is it," we inquired, "to have normal blood pressure if you're determined to be illogical and insensitive?"
"Well, that's part of the problem. In some ways, the cure may be worse than the disease. Of course, the ultimate way to lower your blood pressure is to die, but we don't see that as a viable area for a long-term study."
A researcher commented on the surprise finding, saying, "Look it's basically an illogical world out there. So the more you try to deal with it logically, the more upset you're bound to become – and up shoots your blood pressure. We found that, when we convince patients to give up interfacing with the world with the expectations that logical thinking sets up, they immediately become far more relaxed and, as a result, their blood pressure drops, often returning to normal levels."
When asked if there might be other undiscovered factors that contribute to high blood pressure, he said, "Oh, absolutely. For instance, we've got a study in the works right now on that insidious culprit, sensitivity."
"Sensitivity?" we asked.
"Yes," he went on, "You see the modern world, especially as we interface with it through the mass media and frequently in corporate life, appears wildly insensitive to our individual wishes, so the more sensitive you are, the more likely it is to upset you. So we're looking into how we can condition people to feel less, at least, when dealing with larger entities."
"What about sensitivity in our personal lives? Is that still OK?"
"Well, I'd like to think so. But, since many domestic spats lead to higher blood pressure, we're also considering a study to determine the benefits of reducing sensitivity in personal life."
"But what good is it," we inquired, "to have normal blood pressure if you're determined to be illogical and insensitive?"
"Well, that's part of the problem. In some ways, the cure may be worse than the disease. Of course, the ultimate way to lower your blood pressure is to die, but we don't see that as a viable area for a long-term study."
JazzFest In New Orleans Kicks Off Without Jazz
The Jazzfest in New Orleans, intended to revive the sodden spirits of the land of legendary jazz greats, went off, oddly enough, with comparatively little jazz. There was, in conspicuous unlikelihood, Bruce Springsteen, who did manage a soulful rendition of When the Saints Go Marching In. Also on hand was the legendary jazz performer Elvis Costello.
While all the misplaced rockers do come as a wakeup call to the people who expect the Jazzfest to feature jazz, the sad truth is that jazz hasn't been the leading act in New Orleans, or anywhere else in the lower 48, since Bill Haley and the Comets strolled around Preservation Hall, thumping out Rock Around the Clock, ratcheting up that old backbeat rhythm in the first verifiable intrusion of rock and roll into the sensibilities of the former comparatively civilized ears of now extensively deaf humanity.
Of course, there were some performers with a tad of credibility toward the appellation of jazz artist, such as verifiable regulars Dr. John and Allan Toussaint.
It's time deal with the indisputable encumbrance that we're living in an age when the big music stars are not, despite their passing pretensions, exponents of the jazz mode, except perhaps in the persona of the skillful New Yorker trumpeter, Wynton Marsalis. The giants of jazz, from raspy voiced trumpeter Louis Armstrong to smoothly elegant pianist Bill Evans, have long been sleeping in the arms of time.
The truth of music in New Orleans has for many years been in the sound of music one hears when he or she strolls through the fabled French Quarter. They have been, not the lilting lines of jazz, but the raucous thumps of rock.
Since popular music is unlikely to return to those golden days of yore, it seems that the least irritating way to return consonance to the Jazzfest is simply to rename it the Musicfest.
Then, while our ears might be just as troubled, at least our minds could ease off the incongruity that persists in troubling them.
While all the misplaced rockers do come as a wakeup call to the people who expect the Jazzfest to feature jazz, the sad truth is that jazz hasn't been the leading act in New Orleans, or anywhere else in the lower 48, since Bill Haley and the Comets strolled around Preservation Hall, thumping out Rock Around the Clock, ratcheting up that old backbeat rhythm in the first verifiable intrusion of rock and roll into the sensibilities of the former comparatively civilized ears of now extensively deaf humanity.
Of course, there were some performers with a tad of credibility toward the appellation of jazz artist, such as verifiable regulars Dr. John and Allan Toussaint.
It's time deal with the indisputable encumbrance that we're living in an age when the big music stars are not, despite their passing pretensions, exponents of the jazz mode, except perhaps in the persona of the skillful New Yorker trumpeter, Wynton Marsalis. The giants of jazz, from raspy voiced trumpeter Louis Armstrong to smoothly elegant pianist Bill Evans, have long been sleeping in the arms of time.
The truth of music in New Orleans has for many years been in the sound of music one hears when he or she strolls through the fabled French Quarter. They have been, not the lilting lines of jazz, but the raucous thumps of rock.
Since popular music is unlikely to return to those golden days of yore, it seems that the least irritating way to return consonance to the Jazzfest is simply to rename it the Musicfest.
Then, while our ears might be just as troubled, at least our minds could ease off the incongruity that persists in troubling them.
A Funny Joke and The Man without Humor
Many companies hold informational meeting on not practicing office humor, because they don't want any of there workers to be offended. However, at time companies can cross the line on what is acceptable and not acceptable. Part of the problem with telling a person that funny jokes or humor is not acceptable is that if a person can not enjoy themselves at work the workplace will become uninviting and the workers unhappy.
'Night Court' was a sitcom that came out quite a few years ago. The judge on the show was always having fun, but playing practical jokes occasionally got him in trouble. However, most of the time the judge's antics allowed him to see a larger scope of the people he met and he was able to help them to better their lives. A saying that many companies need to learn is the 'a little levity never hurt'. Allowing personnel the opportunity to send jokes through email and find humor in some of the bad things that may happen in the office can help to handle stress and bring a better camaraderie between the workers.
Where the line needs to be drawn on funny jokes and humor is if the joke shows a racial or gender bias or if the joke is intended to harm another or cause a person to be made to look bad (especially in the eyes of their superiors). Harmful jokes or humor should never be acceptable in the workplace. Every individual should be responsible for their actions and take steps to know what is acceptable and will be found as a funny joke. If a joke is questionable the individual should recognize that that type of humor should be refrained from.
A company does have the responsibility to uphold its reputation and should educate its employees on acceptable humor and what would be considered a not so funny joke. However, companies should also take steps to allow their employees a fun work place. Part of this may include allowing a worker to use email to send jokes to people they know. One suggestion for the workplace may be to have a 'no joke' list and if people do not want to receive jokes through email they can place themselves on the list.
Humor and jokes should be allowed in the work place to allow a happier and more jovial work environment. A funny joke can cheer up a person's day and a little humor can relieve stress. If an individual is responsible to not offend a person and the company encourages their work force to be happy working for 'The Man' wouldn't be so bad.
You may be in love if...
1. If you've ever stared deeply into the eyes of your significant other for more than 10 seconds without cracking up hysterically … you may be in love.
2. If every person in your life tells you that she/he's no good and you're mailman, pharmacist and local news station agrees, yet you think they are "just jealous" … you may be in love.
3. Guys: if you've taken the pictures of the other women in you're life off the walls, like the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition posters, Playmate of the month calendar, Monster Truck Rally 2005 … you may be in love.
4. Ladies: men can produce excessive amounts of eye watering, nose burning noxious odor from almost any food or drink, and then aren't above sharing it with others, especially at night. Knowing all this, and you STILL want to sleep in the same bed with him … you may be in love.
5. If your significant other asks you how they look in their new retro polyester lime green outfit and you say they look hot … you may be in love…. or you have a really strong self preservation instinct.
6. Guys: if you've ever given up washing and waxing that new car you just bought to watch "Sleepless in Seattle" with you're girlfriend/wife for the 20th time … you may be in love.
7. If you always remember every anniversary and birthday of your partner, and you're not female … you may be in love.
8. If you think the underwear and socks you get for your birthday and Christmas every year is a pleasant surprise … you may be in love.
9. If you thought the Sears Tool Set and rolling cabinet you got for your birthday was great idea, and you're not male ... you may be in love.
10. If you are taken to Burger King for a romantic dinner, and that doesn't bother you … you may be in love.
11. If you notice your local florist starts arriving at work in a limo since you became a customer ... you may be in love
12. If hearing "Honey, wheres my clean underwear?" brings tears of joy to your eyes ... you may be in love
But the easiest way to tell if you are in love is this: If there is no one on this planet that you would rather spend everyday of your life with than the one you are with … then you ARE in love!
Nightclub For Baby Boomes Raided; Patrons Nabbed For Dropping Antacid
The owner, who was taken away in cuffs, claimed, "I had no idea some of the customers were dropping that stuff. But somehow they were smuggling it past the bouncers – Alka-Seltzer, Tums, Rolaids, you name it. Had I known, I would have slipped them some complimentary club soda."
A female boomer noted, as she was being booked, "I admit it. I've become addicted to Alka-Seltzer How would you like to be in your fifties and be back out on the meat market? I just hope my children understand."
A male patron, who was apprehended while attempting to escape as fast as he could amble down the street, lamented, "I'm single, I'm upset, so no wonder I need regular doses of Mylanta. And there's nothing I won't do to get it – rob, murder, even pick up a bottle at the drugstore."
To the relief of the distraught boomers, who have a seemingly irrepressible urge to enjoy life even into their later decades, the club is scheduled to reopen tonight.
However, upon arrival the trendy crowd will notice that a new sign has been placed above the entrance, notifying them that "The Possession Of Antacid On These Premises Is Strictly Forbidden."
A trendy new nightclub that caters to baby boomers who find themselves unexpectedly single was raided by police last night. Acting on a tip from a twenty-something couple who entered the hotspot by accident, police were able to determine that many of the partying patrons were dropping antacid.
The owner, who was taken away in cuffs, claimed, "I had no idea some of the customers were dropping that stuff. But somehow they were smuggling it past the bouncers – Alka-Seltzer, Tums, Rolaids, you name it. Had I known, I would have slipped them some complimentary club soda."
A female boomer noted, as she was being booked, "I admit it. I've become addicted to Alka-Seltzer How would you like to be in your fifties and be back out on the meat market? I just hope my children understand."
A male patron, who was apprehended while attempting to escape as fast as he could amble down the street, lamented, "I'm single, I'm upset, so no wonder I need regular doses of Mylanta. And there's nothing I won't do to get it – rob, murder, even pick up a bottle at the drugstore."
To the relief of the distraught boomers, who have a seemingly irrepressible urge to enjoy life even into their later decades, the club is scheduled to reopen tonight.
However, upon arrival the trendy crowd will notice that a new sign has been placed above the entrance, notifying them that "The Possession Of Antacid On These Premises Is Strictly Forbidden."
U. S. Ends Oil Dependency; Turns B. S. Into Fuel
A researcher at The Department of Energy, from which breakthrough ideas emanate on a regular basis, noticed that Americans, along with most people who ever lived, have a virtually unlimited and renewable supply of B. S. He wondered if it might be turned into fuel.
The hypothesis proved so promising that his work produced a marvelous result in as short a time as it took to record some B. S. from a wonderfully fertile colleague and wire it to a refinery. He calls the new potion Bio-Super.
"It's the most concentrated fuel in history," he tells us, "with an octane rating of 99.9. I figure we've got enough of a supply to meet our total energy needs for the foreseeable future. All we have to do is keep B. S.-ing the way we do, and we'll have all the Bio-Super we and our children need."
The product is ready for mass production. The technique calls for the collection of B. S. from all over the country by having the most irrepressible exponents of it talk into microphones. The B. S. is then broadcast to the closest refinery.
Bio-Super also has an advantage over other fuels in terms of pollution, because the process actually takes a lot of it out of the air.
Since the B. S. is so highly concentrated to begin with, the production of Bio-Super is quite a lot more efficient than the manufacture of biofuel from corn or woodchips. Just a hundred words of good old American B. S., particularly from people who like to hang out at bars after work and talk their heads off, can produce enough to fill up the gasoline tank on a Hummer.
The only negative aspect is the product's exceptional volatility. Once you pump it into your tank, you have to slam the gas cap shut instantly or it will all evaporate. Motorists are also advised only to remove the cap when the gauge is nearly on empty and to stand aside; otherwise, there is the risk of being knocked out with a force that scientists have calculated is equivalent to six airbags.
A Life Of Lorenzo Da Ponte:Talent Flies; Practical Reason Walks
We learn in the new book, The Librettist of Venice, by Rodney Bolt, that Da Ponte grew so close with the unequalled Mozart – both of whom, we learn, were not only talented but vain, insecure and ambitious – that while writing Don Giovanni, they worked in adjoining lodges and shouted to each other through their windows.
Da Ponte even dared to contend with Mozart, who believed the text should be subservient to the music, while Da Ponte was certain that the words should be primary, in fact, that without his poetry even Mighty Mo's music would be nothing.
Yet how Da Ponte tumbled from the heights. Hard as it may be to imagine, he wound up in New York, running, at one time, a grocery store on the Bowery.
Brilliant as an artist, he was apparently, in his personal life, a managerial moron. Or, said another way, while talent flies, practical reason just plods along, like a relative moron.
Da Ponte, born Jewish, was, as a result of his father's having decided the family should become Catholic for the easement of a life of trade, ordained a priest. But his real vocation was married women. His exploits, we learn, rivaled Casanova, who became his pal and, if we believe such a thing is possible in the category at hand, his mentor.
Da Ponte himself admitted a shortcoming in comparison with his rival for insincere relationships: he didn't have Casanova's purported talent for fleecing the women he falsely wooed. In fact, Da Ponte claims he actually loved the ones he made out with.
He also considered himself adroit politically, but his moves were disastrous. He upset the successors of Joseph II so much he was exiled from Vienna.
Now,still technically a priest he was married to a younger but more wisely practical woman named Nancy Grahl, but even she was unable to keep the man out of bankruptcy in London and again in America, where they moved in 1805, because her family had settled here.
He attempted to establish Italian opera companies when English-speaking audiences had little interest in them. To add onions to opera, the grocery business failed.
He finally became a teacher, bookseller and wannabe impresario.
On the positive side, New York turned out to be the most agreeable spot for him. It was relatively liberal, and Da Ponte found himself a favorite of the cultural elite.
He became the first professor of Italian at Columbia University. While the position was pretty much ceremonial, Da Ponte has the double distinction of having been the first Jew and first priest on the school's faculty.
He lived on into his 80's, revered but regarded as eccentric.
He was charming man who made a profession of being European when such a state was still considered novel.
Yet when one compares his everyday doings with his winged collaboration with Mozart, one can only shake his head with the recognition of how quicksilver brilliant the remarkable syntheses of talent are, way up in mental processes we can only hope will drop answers into our expectant consciousness, compared to the "first we do this and then we do that" plodding of the practical but still invaluable mind.
Pat Robertson Confesses! God Upset With Him; Tells Him He Lost His Mind
"Naturally, I was surprised and asked why he would ever think such a thing of me.
"God went on to ask, 'Did you report that I told you America should assassinate Hugo Chavez, the leader of Venezuela?'
"'Yes, I did,' I confessed.
"'And did you recently tell people I told you that this year I'm going to send fearsome storms to batter the coastlines of America?'
"'Yes, I did,' I confessed again.
"'But, Pat, ask yourself, if I'm the benevolent being people expect me to be, how could I have said those terrible things?'
"You mean, you didn't say them?' I asked.
"'Heck, no! I've got my reputation to consider. What I actually told you is, on the first point, that America should invite the President of Venezuela to Washington to talk things over.'
"'You did?' I replied, swallowing hard.
"'Yes, Pat. And on the second issue, I told you I felt Katrina was enough of a Category 5 hurricane for the time being and I intended to hold off on such destructive whirlwinds for years to come.'
"'Really?'
"'Yes, Pat. But what has happened? You misheard every message I delivered. Now, since I know you would much prefer to be my dutiful servant, I can only assume you've lost your mind.'
"Yep," Pat continued to his enthralled audience, "that's what God told me and, let me tell you, His mighty words gave me pause. So I said, 'In the future I'll listen more carefully.'
"But God wouldn't have anything to do with that. He was just too upset with me.
"'I appreciate your good intentions, Pat, but I can't take anymore chances. My reputation is already too damaged.'
"Then the Lord told me the most hurtful thing I can imagine."
"'Pat, I'm not going to show up and talk to you anymore.'
"'Oh, God, no, please,' I told him. 'I'll listen to your every word more carefully with all my heart and mind.'
"'I know you'll have the best of intentions, but, I regret to say, the next time we talk is when you arrive at the Pearly Gates. I have to find somebody to appear to who can get the story right. But listen to me, Pat. If you do exactly as I say, I, in my infinite mercy, will forgive your every misinterpretation. And here is what I say. If you ever think I told you something in the future, tell yourself it can't be true and you made it up. Do you hear me, Pat?'
"'Yes, God,' I told my Lord and Master. 'Not only that, I apologize for any damage I might have, through no conscious intent, done to your magnificent and forever undamaged reputation.'
"'Good, Pat, good,' God told me, and put out His hand. "'I look forward to seeing you again in ten or twenty years.'
"'Thanks, Your Worship, see you then,' I told Him.
"Then we shook hands and he disappeared.
"So let me just announce to my faithful listeners, that's it, folks. I won't be making anymore announcements about what God told me. I have gotten the message from on high that I am now out of personal communication with the Infinite. From now on I am as much a creature of the finite world as you all are.
"And I am confident that, because of this decision, God loves me and you more than ever. So please donate more generously than ever."
Comedy Podcasts
Many podcasts are available to subscribe to and watch in a variety of genres, and one of these is the comedy podcast. Every small scale wannabe writer has a chance to become a comedian through podcasting, since the low entry cost allows people to start podcasting with minimum effort and money. To find some of these comedy podcasters, check a podcast directory. A podcast directory is a listing of many, sometimes several thousands, of podcasts submitted and divided into categories. A podcast directory will probably have a large number of comedy podcasts available to subscribe to.
These comedy podcasts are usually created by a small team of people who do the work in their free time, as a hobby, not as a source of income. Because it is a hobby, they're more willing to give the work away for free, for nothing more than recognition, probably in the hopes they can parlay that recognition into a more mainstream job. Some more corporate groups also put together comedy podcasts, however. The satirical comedy web site http://TheOnion.com puts out a regular comedy podcast, featuring readings from their fake news site.
Placing a comedy podcast on the Internet has several advantages for the creators. They get to showcase their work, easily distributing their art to many people. This following is likely to be be unusually passionate, following the artist with more enthusiasm than the artist's average audience. The comedian has a chance to be more open with the audience, engaging in a sort of dialogue with them. The comedian broadcasts the files, which enter the computer of the user, already a more personal level than simply hearing the jokester on the radio or on television. Compedy podcast subscribers will often then write back to the podcaster, or leave comments on the blog which often accompanies a podcast site. This can give them a degree of input and connection with the writers of the comedy podcast that is far removed from other styles of comedy distribution.
The writers and producers of a comedy podcast thus benefit from several advantages of the podcast form. It is cheap and easy to set up, and uses a distribution mechanism that is also easy to use. The way the podcast form is designed, as well, creates greater connection between the producer and the subscribers. The comedy writer has a greater ability to interact with the subscribers and to find out what they appreciate or do not. Because podcasting is so simple to get involved in, requiring only a small investment to get started, many amateur comedy writers have begun starting their own shows and distributing the feed. It is likely, because of the unique connection podcasting offers between writer and listener, that we will see at least some of these amateur comedians make the leap to the professional stage.
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